Why run?

I said I would write this tomorrow after the 5K but we are going to a pool party tomorrow so here it is.

I'll make it short and sweet.

Why am I doing this?

Actually, the Color 5Ks are more of a party and nothing serious. It’s not timed and you can walk, run, or skip if you really want to. This is just the precursor to my goals. I always wanted to be that girl that participated in marathons. I wanted to be a runner. I don’t know why I wanted to, but I did. I wasn’t even sure if I would enjoy running, but I tried it anyway.

Running is slowly becoming a part of me. It clears my head and it’s amazing to see how far I can push myself.

I’m putting it in writing now that my goals are to participate in 5Ks, 10Ks, half marathons, and a Warrior Dash.

The reason:

I spent 6 weeks on and off in the hospital last summer with my little brother. He was declared brain dead and we held on until we couldn’t anymore. We were literally fighting the ethics board for more time. He died at 16.

Sixteen years old.

He never got to get his license, graduate, marry, or even have children. He never got to live out his dreams. Everything was stripped away one afternoon at the beach.

He’s the reason why I’m getting my butt off the couch and pursuing my goals. Why shouldn’t I? I’m relatively healthy and able.

What’s stopping me?

He never got to live long enough to accomplish his goals in life. I have nothing holding me back.

August 5^th 2012 I sat in my brother’s hospital room in the PICU and watched him take his last breath as his heart slowly stopped. They turned off all the monitors and walked out so we could be with him in peace.

That day still haunts me.

I had to walk away from a teenager who had his whole life ahead of him.

So that’s why I’m doing it.

Sure tomorrow will be about the fun and getting covered in colorful powder, but when I cross the finish line it’s the beginning of my new life. The one where I don’t take life for granted. It’s the stepping stone to a better me. 

I hope in everything that I do he is proud.

                                        
                                                     

Some changes

So a lot of changes of happened in this past week. Okay…nothing huge but big for our lives.

We decided to call Jake’s fertility doctor in Dallas to ask about switching his medication. Not that it wasn’t helping but because of certain complications we wanted to know if there was an alternative to what he was prescribed. There is but it isn’t as effective, but it has done some wonders. Time will tell.

Secondly, and this is the biggest change is we decided to contact early childhood intervention for an evaluation for Gavin. As our family and friends know who has spent time with him he doesn’t speak many words. He says about 20 and will say a couple of two word sentences but most of it is not easy for us to understand. We decided at the time to wait and see if it was just something he would grow out of.

Over the past year and a half we have noticed his behavior and motor skills are different than a normal toddler his age. There is a long list of symptoms I won’t get into now, but they are there and can’ t be ignored any longer. I think the breaking point was his eating. He’s 2 ½ and we still have to cut up his food into smaller pieces otherwise he will take a huge bite and not chew properly and then will choke. It’s happened on many occasions and once a very close call with cantaloupe.

I guess we probably seem over protective to people that aren’t in our house watching him go through this. I don’t want to ever see my child start to turn a different color and not be able to breath again. One time was enough and if that means I look like a helicopter parent by being cautious over what he eats, then so be it.

He is very picky with his food. He loves most fruit, but hates all vegetables and doesn’t care for most meat. Textures bother him and when we try to introduce new foods he gags and screams. We have tried smoothies with veggies and he refuses to drink them. I found some organic pureed pouches that he seems to like, and at this point besides his vitamins, that’s the only way we can get him to eat them.

Luckily for us, Jake’s aunt is a speech therapist and after discussing his symptoms she encouraged us to seek out some help.

So with all that we are setting up an appointment with ECI to see where he’s at and what they can do to help.

If you are reading this and around him please be patient with us. He does not accept changes easily and if he seems like he’s ‘acting out’ please know that a lot of it could be much more than that. I believe it’s much more than that.

The last thing is I’m participating in my first 5K this weekend and hopefully not the last. I set up goals for myself years ago of things I wanted to accomplish. This is one of them - plus a 10K and half marathon. I do not usually put myself out there but I’m hoping that will change. I’ll explain more of the biggest reason why I decided to do this after the event on Saturday.

                                               Like I said, nothing big but it is in our little world.





Adoption

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about what this post should be about it. It didn’t hit me until a couple of hours ago what I really wanted to address before I go any further into this blog.

Adoption.

Let me start out by saying we have always wanted to adopt. Early on in our marriage before we even knew that we were infertile we had decided that we wanted to adopt 1-2 children or more if it felt right.

I can’t tell you how many times I have been told “you can still adopt” like it was the same thing. I personally feel that it’s a totally different mind set. Just because you can’t physically have a child does not mean that you are emotionally ready to adopt. I’m not quite 25 and I’m still considered in my childbearing years. Not like that counts for everyone - myself included. I haven’t given up that I can carry a child once again.

Why should I?

Imagine if someone calls you up and tells you judging by a test that was taken you and your husband can not have any more children. Your only option is a donor or adoption. The way that particular nurse handled that situation was crappy. No other way to put it. Of course the day I was told this I was an emotional wreck, and it happened to be on a holiday so I definitely won’t be forgetting the date. At that moment I had no hope. I cried for hours on the bed. I just wanted to give up on everything and sleep all day. My toddler quickly reminded me that I still have responsibilities and I need to get up and hand him a cracker.

Then I turned on my computer and searched. I researched everything I could find on this matter and prayed for some answers. I did find some. My hope slowly came back.

A few days after that phone call I had this feeling, almost like a lightning bolt hitting me in the face.

I can’t give up.

I consider myself a Christian.

Forgiven.

I have struggled over the past year with the loss of my brother , my grandmother 3 mths later, and then this. It’s hard not being angry. Some days are better than others. Sometimes I feel like I’m being tested, but if you knew how much crazy stuff that has happened in my past and somehow it’s always worked out, you would feel the same.

Now back to my story - a lightning bolt. It was as if I could see myself holding a baby that I gave birth to again. Whether that was just hopeful thinking or something more it was enough to tell myself this is not where it ends.

Jake visited a male infertility specialist in Dallas a couple of months ago and is currently being treated. Now we don’t know if it will work. His doctor seems hopeful and has been named one of the top doctors of his field for the past 10 years. I trust him and now we are in the waiting game.

We are doing what we feel is right for us. I do not view adoption as giving up so let me clarify on that. We just are not emotionally, financially, mentally ready for that stage in our life. I pray that God blesses us on this journey and that when the time comes we will know.

A dream

Testing. Testing. Testing.

I guess I should start from the beginning. Don't worry I'll keep it short, okay kind of short, and sweet. I am the ripe age of 24 (July 20th is the big 25) and my husband of nearly 6 years is 30 years old. We have a 2 1/2 yr old little miracle boy. Our house is now officially filled with 2 crazy dogs and a cat who doesn't like those crazy dogs.

From the beginning we knew we wanted to start a family right away. After trying for 6 mths I decided to go search for a gynocologist. The first year I went to multiple doctors and I was diagnosed with PCOS. I felt like for the first time we were getting closer to finding answers. It's funny looking back and remembering comments I got from one gyno saying that we are young and need to wait. I'm glad we didn't sit on that advice. After searching I found the gold mine of doctors. She's perfect and to this day I am still satisfied with her.

It was Jake's turn. He was told he had low levels of testosterone and needed to be on hormone treatment for it. During that time I was put on progesterone pills. For those that don't know, progesterone plays a key role in your life, and in pregnancies. So here we were both on hormone treatment and still waiting for a miracle. We spent 2 1/2 years crying, fighting, taking test after test, charting, doctor after doctor.

On May 13, 2010 I came home from a long day at work and went to the guest house we were living in at the time behind Jake's parent's house. Jake was visiting his grandmother and parents up at their house. The day before I remember texting my pregnant sister, Cherrie to ask about some symptoms I was having. She encouraged me to test but in the back of my mind I still felt like this was just another month with crazy hormones. I took the test out and after using it I laid it on the side of the tub next to me. Not even expecting to see two pink lines I nearly left the bathroom to go change clothes. I happened to look down and there they were. I can't even describe the feeling I had.

My heart was pounding.

I couldn't breathe.

POSITIVE.

  On January 5, 2011 we welcomed a bouncing baby boy. He is the twinkle in my eye. He is now 2 1/2 yrs old and crazier than ever. A rock collector, lover of dogs, a fan of Team Umizoomi, and a little trickster.

So here we are nearly 6 yrs later waiting for another miracle. My hopes with this blog is to write down the ups and downs of our infertility marathon. Just praying that we can get to the finish line and feel like we fulfilled our dream.