Goals

The big 2-5

What a birthday! In the spirit of turning 25 I have decided there has to be a slight change to my thought process. I came across this from an infertility blog that I followed. My goals from now on.

I want to honor my infertility.
I want to honor my intentions to create life and have a child.
I want to honor the life that we lost.
I want to honor the pain we’ve survived.
I want to honor my husband for his strength and support.
I want to honor my body, and respect it.
I want to heal my body, which has been broken and abused.
I want to heal my spirit, which has been lost and disconnected.
I want to heal my heart, which has been shattered again and again.
I want to move past some of the losses and grieving I’ve done.
I want to prepare myself for the journey ahead of me - adoption or donors.
I want to accept myself and my life.
I want to recommit myself to my marriage.
I want to recommit to myself, and finding the strength to live a life of joy and fulfillment.
I want to feel whole again.

We are coming up on a big test soon that will determine some big decisions in our life. If you pray, please do so for us. If you don’t then all good thoughts and vibes are always welcomed.

Incomplete but not alone



Here we go, incomplete but not alone

Both of us together down this long and winding road

And you say I want to build a perfect circle, make something beautiful to call our own And I believe that there’s a change around the corner

And in a world that’s out of order we still have time I believe in the love that’s all around us

And as the arms of life surround us it all seems fine I believe

Let the seeds we’ve sown live on forever once they’ve grown

And inside our happy home they will see

There’s a lot of things that we will do, sacrifice anything for you

Promise anything, knowing you will be.

(Chorus)

I believe it’s coming our way, that change is coming some day

It’s just a matter of time

Just hearing this song literally makes my heart ache. We have gone through so much as a couple in the past 6 years and it’s not the end. I know it can’t be. Today has been a hard day for me.

Another negative.

I know I’m not alone by sitting in the bathroom and holding up that test up to the window or at all angles under the light bulb. Just praying that if you squint hard enough it’ll be there.

Not this time.

I can’t say enough how blessed we are to have Gavin. He is our answered prayers. The times where we sat on the floor crying, the fights where we wouldn’t speak to each other for days, being poked again and again from tests.

It was all worth it.

So much so that we are willing to put our marriage through that again except this time we have a better understanding of each other. When we’ve had enough or when we need some alone time.
It has helped a lot to be more vocal about it with everyone.

Before we had kept it to ourselves besides close friends and certain family members. It has taken a big load off our backs not hearing the same question over again.

When are you going to give him a sibling?

I hate that this subject is taboo still but thanks to so many men and women standing up and saying “ yes I suffer from infertility” ….it’s becoming much more than a family secret.

There is truth when experts say that infertile couples suffer psychological trauma.

So here we go again. Another month of negatives.

Another month of seeing pregnancy announcements.

I pray that it gets easier to accept but after so many years it still hurts to see or hear them.

At least before Gavin we had more hope. This time around is worse medically speaking.

No matter what…our love endures.

Empty room



It’s been awhile but life kind of got busy. We picked up my 4 year old niece last Saturday for 3 weeks and that girl has been wearing us out.

I’ve been trying to keep the house clean but those kids are driving me crazy. Which brings me to the main reason why I wanted to write this post.

We bought our 3 bedroom 2 bath house in October and the third bedroom has served as our junk room. All of my crafts, yarn, Christmas wrapping paper, and anything else that has no home goes in there. You can barely walk in there. Before Gavin came along our 2 bedroom apartments and townhouse was in the same state. It’s kind of like a wishful thinking moment for us.

What if?

To decorate and have a purpose for it other than a nursery is heartbreaking. I had high hopes that the room wouldn’t be our guest/office room but I’m kidding myself if I think it’s going to happen anytime soon.

At least not this year we know for a fact.

It’s not giving up the dream but being realistic for now.

Not to mention there is no excuse for how much yarn I possess.

The room needs some extra TLC and organization.

I think it’ll be nice to have a quiet room where I can go to craft and read in peace….until our next sweet miracle happens.