Bitterness becomes a monster



It’s midnight and I’ve had something laying heavy on my heart lately.

I can’t shake it and it’s not a topic I like to discuss.

I’ve worn infertility like a badge of bitterness. If I found out you were pregnant and if it was a sudden way of founding out, well, I wrote you off. Just until my mind could heal.

I want to clarify I’m not angry at anyone who is pregnant.

Disappointed? Yes. Not in them, but in myself and my situation.

I think it gets mistaken for anger, and if it did and you are reading this..

I’m sorry.

If you haven’t gone down this road then you wouldn’t know that time heals these wounds. At least for me it does.

The most recent incident would be a close relationship I have with a pregnant lady.

The way it all played out when the pregnancy came out was a mess.

I cried, she cried.

I had recently at the beginning of the summer had a chemical pregnancy.

Which to me is a load of crap for even saying the technical word “chemical” for a pregnancy that doesn’t reach the 6 week mark.

Early miscarriage can feel like a heavy period, with major cramping.

I was able to go through it at home.

My OB told me a lot of women miscarriage and don’t even realize it.

They think their period is just late.

Unfortunately, if you are ttcing you know. When you are charting temperatures, taking ovulation tests, noting any body changes, and counting down the days you are able to find out early on if you are pregnant.

As the days progressed the lines got lighter and the physical sign that I was miscarrying happened.

Each day gets easier for me with acceptance.

It’s hard to describe to someone that you are happy for them but sad for yourself.

That person that you may of hurt with your bitterness needs your love and support.

It’s not their fault that your situation sucks.

Can I say that again? SUCKS.

I can honestly say it’s nowhere like being childless.

I have many friends and family who are and I want you to know if you’re reading this that I love you and

continue to pray for you.

My dreams of a family and siblings for my son seem meaningless when I think of the dark time I was in when being childless.

Gavin is my miracle baby. He is the reason I want to be a better me.

The reason that can pull me out of a deep depression since my brother died.

I don’t know how I’ll feel if our options are taken from us for conceiving again.

Will I accept it and move on to the next stage of our life?

Who knows..

If the last few weeks have taught me anything it’s that I can still support and love the preggos in my life without being bitter.

It takes time but if you’re willing to give me your all…

Well then I’m in.

Crazy hormones and all.