Moving On...sort of



It’s been awhile! It’s been about the same since I posted last. Every month we go through the same thing.

Ovulation tests. Two week wait. Symptoms. Testing. Disappointment. Tears.

It’s all the same.

At this point we are ready to move on to the next step. My OB/GYN wants us to visit a fertility clinic as a couple. Up until now we have used our separate doctors including OB/GYN, Urologists, and Reproductive Endocrinologists. We have decided next month after Gavin’s birthday and the holidays are over with we will be setting up an appointment with one. They will give our final options which at this point is leaning towards IVF over IUI.

We will discuss it as a couple at that point, go through insurance to see what they cover if they will cover anything. Which I wouldn’t be surprised if they don’t knowing our record with them. Go through the costs of it which if you know anything about it then you know it’s not pretty.

If we are told that there are no options for us as a couple to have another biological child then we will move on.

Next step. It’s there but we are still holding on to this last bit of hope.

We are tired not only physically, but emotionally. We are only given a small window for this to happen so that’s why we have to rush this.

I don’t know what our future holds.

God knows our wants and desires. He is in complete control and it so hard to walk in faith with a journey like this.

To be constantly tested.

To see other families grow in front of you is a punch in the gut.

To see Gavin roll around with his cousin and stay up late talking to him while they were snuggled up together.

To know that he would benefit so much with a sibling.

I believe it will happen. Maybe not the way we had hoped or even dreamed of but I know this feeling of being incomplete is not for nothing.

So, that is where we are now.

Wait, wait, and some more waiting.

　

　

Bitterness becomes a monster



It’s midnight and I’ve had something laying heavy on my heart lately.

I can’t shake it and it’s not a topic I like to discuss.

I’ve worn infertility like a badge of bitterness. If I found out you were pregnant and if it was a sudden way of founding out, well, I wrote you off. Just until my mind could heal.

I want to clarify I’m not angry at anyone who is pregnant.

Disappointed? Yes. Not in them, but in myself and my situation.

I think it gets mistaken for anger, and if it did and you are reading this..

I’m sorry.

If you haven’t gone down this road then you wouldn’t know that time heals these wounds. At least for me it does.

The most recent incident would be a close relationship I have with a pregnant lady.

The way it all played out when the pregnancy came out was a mess.

I cried, she cried.

I had recently at the beginning of the summer had a chemical pregnancy.

Which to me is a load of crap for even saying the technical word “chemical” for a pregnancy that doesn’t reach the 6 week mark.

Early miscarriage can feel like a heavy period, with major cramping.

I was able to go through it at home.

My OB told me a lot of women miscarriage and don’t even realize it.

They think their period is just late.

Unfortunately, if you are ttcing you know. When you are charting temperatures, taking ovulation tests, noting any body changes, and counting down the days you are able to find out early on if you are pregnant.

As the days progressed the lines got lighter and the physical sign that I was miscarrying happened.

Each day gets easier for me with acceptance.

It’s hard to describe to someone that you are happy for them but sad for yourself.

That person that you may of hurt with your bitterness needs your love and support.

It’s not their fault that your situation sucks.

Can I say that again? SUCKS.

I can honestly say it’s nowhere like being childless.

I have many friends and family who are and I want you to know if you’re reading this that I love you and

continue to pray for you.

My dreams of a family and siblings for my son seem meaningless when I think of the dark time I was in when being childless.

Gavin is my miracle baby. He is the reason I want to be a better me.

The reason that can pull me out of a deep depression since my brother died.

I don’t know how I’ll feel if our options are taken from us for conceiving again.

Will I accept it and move on to the next stage of our life?

Who knows..

If the last few weeks have taught me anything it’s that I can still support and love the preggos in my life without being bitter.

It takes time but if you’re willing to give me your all…

Well then I’m in.

Crazy hormones and all.

The day I said goodbye to him



This is going to be a sad one.

Fair warning.

It’s been one year since my little brother passed away.

The other days are more of a blur but this one stuck out.

He was on life support for 6 weeks and we were told multiple times that there was no more hope.

It was over. Either we needed to choose a day or they will go to the ethics board and we would have so many days before they forced us to take him off.

At that moment I think my mom was done with it.
She was physically and emotionally exhausted. He was losing so much weight and at the end became skin and bones.

She left it up to God.

If he was going to take him than this was the moment.

How do you pick a day for your loved one to die? I can only imagine the pain she was feeling that last week. She decided that a Sunday would be the best day for it and picked 3 pm.

The night before my cousin who was raised with us like a little brother, myself, my little sister, and Mikey’s girlfriend all huddled in the waiting room and visited his room through out the night.

I still can remember pushing the big round button to be allowed in the PICU. We had to walk past children that were struggling to live to get to his room. I have so much respect for the doctors and nurses that have dedicated their life to working in the PICU.

When the afternoon came around I walked to his room while everyone else was back at their rooms(the hospital had rooms for families of children in the PICU).

It was around 1:30-2 p.m.

I scooted my chair up to the side of his bed and grabbed his hand.

I consider myself a pretty strong person emotionally. You can ask anyone that knows me and knows that I don’t cry or show much emotion in front of them.

That afternoon I let the tears falls. I told him how much I love him and how sorry I am for not being there enough for him. That we couldn’t save him.

The night before I spoke to my little sister about who would be in the room with my mom when it was to happen. She said she couldn’t do it. It was too much.

My little sister is a tough cookie. She has been my rock through so many trials and she was the closest sibling to Mikey. They were 4 years apart and I know she couldn’t do it.

So we agreed that I would be the one to be at my mom’s side when they removed him.

At the last minute my mom’s sister and my two cousins came in as well as my sister’s husband.

Around 2:30 the doctor and nurses started the process.

They got my mom on the bed so she could hold him. My sister’s husband stood behind her just in case she fell. I sat back against the wall next to my cousin as my aunt and other cousin sat near the door.

They turned off the machines and took all the wires and tubes out of him.

Gave him plenty of morphine before they left.

They went back to the nurses station which you could see from where I was sitting and they looked up at the monitor for his stats so they could give us some peace in the room with him.

I looked over at him with swollen eyes and tears to see my mother hunched over him holding him and talking to him.

I never knew how strong my mother was until then.

She has gone through hell and back and to see her holding my little brother while he left this world was something else.

She held him when he came in this world and got to hold him when he left.

From where I was sitting I could see his heartbeat in his neck and I watched it go from a semi strong pulse to slowly fading into nothing.

At that moment when everything stopped he raised his chest up off the bed and opened his eyes.

To give you a little background on that the weeks leading up to the day a few of us had a dream of him opening his eyes.

In my dream he sat up in bed and opened his eyes and smiled at me and said he’s going to be okay.

My mom and older sister would always tell him to open his eyes so they could see his pretty green eyes.

Not once did he until then.

The only way I could describe it is like a cartoon.

You know the ones where they die and their soul goes up to cartoon heaven.

It was as if his soul left his body.

My aunt who is in the medical field and my mom who used to be in it have seen a lot of death but said they have never seen someone do that before.

My mom told us later on that before his heart went he had goosebumps all over his body and she looked up at him confused.

It was the most peaceful thing I’ve ever witnessed.

I made the mistake of standing up and going to his side to say one last goodbye before I went downstairs to tell my sisters and brother that he was gone.

It’s amazing how much the body changes right after death.

I have never seen someone who has just died without makeup nor have I seen someone literally die right in front of me.

It being my baby brother has been traumatizing.

I can’t get that image out of my head yet, I’m thankful that I was there.

Later on we went upstairs so my mom could sign some papers and to release his body to the morgue.

I looked down and the time of death was 3:16 p.m. not 3:15 like we initially thought.

A couple of hours later John 3:16 came to me. What an incredible sign for our family.

“For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life.”

A lady packed up all of his stuff onto a cart and wheeled it to the elevators with us.

We left the hospital with nothing to show for it but 6 weeks worth of his stuff and no Mikey.

Some days I’m angry at God. I don’t understand how someone so young could leave this world.

He was such a sweet kid and he loved and lived for the Lord.

He had his faults but ultimately he was someone I admired when it came to faith.

I’ve heard stories from friends of his how he helped them whether it be someone to talk to or to tell them about the Lord.

Maybe that’s why he was taken. He fulfilled his duty. I just wish we had more years together. I wish I would of taken more time off to see him in the last year before his accident. I just pray that he knew how much he meant to me.

Someday I will see him again and he’ll probably laugh at me crying like a baby on the one year anniversary.

I know I can’t honor his memory by sitting around feeling sorry for myself. He would want us to live our life and be happy. He was such a great person.

I know everyone says that when someone passes away but he truly was a sweet guy.

No one can take his place.

I love you MPM, a million times over.

Goals

The big 2-5

What a birthday! In the spirit of turning 25 I have decided there has to be a slight change to my thought process. I came across this from an infertility blog that I followed. My goals from now on.

I want to honor my infertility.
I want to honor my intentions to create life and have a child.
I want to honor the life that we lost.
I want to honor the pain we’ve survived.
I want to honor my husband for his strength and support.
I want to honor my body, and respect it.
I want to heal my body, which has been broken and abused.
I want to heal my spirit, which has been lost and disconnected.
I want to heal my heart, which has been shattered again and again.
I want to move past some of the losses and grieving I’ve done.
I want to prepare myself for the journey ahead of me - adoption or donors.
I want to accept myself and my life.
I want to recommit myself to my marriage.
I want to recommit to myself, and finding the strength to live a life of joy and fulfillment.
I want to feel whole again.

We are coming up on a big test soon that will determine some big decisions in our life. If you pray, please do so for us. If you don’t then all good thoughts and vibes are always welcomed.

Incomplete but not alone



Here we go, incomplete but not alone

Both of us together down this long and winding road

And you say I want to build a perfect circle, make something beautiful to call our own And I believe that there’s a change around the corner

And in a world that’s out of order we still have time I believe in the love that’s all around us

And as the arms of life surround us it all seems fine I believe

Let the seeds we’ve sown live on forever once they’ve grown

And inside our happy home they will see

There’s a lot of things that we will do, sacrifice anything for you

Promise anything, knowing you will be.

(Chorus)

I believe it’s coming our way, that change is coming some day

It’s just a matter of time

Just hearing this song literally makes my heart ache. We have gone through so much as a couple in the past 6 years and it’s not the end. I know it can’t be. Today has been a hard day for me.

Another negative.

I know I’m not alone by sitting in the bathroom and holding up that test up to the window or at all angles under the light bulb. Just praying that if you squint hard enough it’ll be there.

Not this time.

I can’t say enough how blessed we are to have Gavin. He is our answered prayers. The times where we sat on the floor crying, the fights where we wouldn’t speak to each other for days, being poked again and again from tests.

It was all worth it.

So much so that we are willing to put our marriage through that again except this time we have a better understanding of each other. When we’ve had enough or when we need some alone time.
It has helped a lot to be more vocal about it with everyone.

Before we had kept it to ourselves besides close friends and certain family members. It has taken a big load off our backs not hearing the same question over again.

When are you going to give him a sibling?

I hate that this subject is taboo still but thanks to so many men and women standing up and saying “ yes I suffer from infertility” ….it’s becoming much more than a family secret.

There is truth when experts say that infertile couples suffer psychological trauma.

So here we go again. Another month of negatives.

Another month of seeing pregnancy announcements.

I pray that it gets easier to accept but after so many years it still hurts to see or hear them.

At least before Gavin we had more hope. This time around is worse medically speaking.

No matter what…our love endures.

Empty room



It’s been awhile but life kind of got busy. We picked up my 4 year old niece last Saturday for 3 weeks and that girl has been wearing us out.

I’ve been trying to keep the house clean but those kids are driving me crazy. Which brings me to the main reason why I wanted to write this post.

We bought our 3 bedroom 2 bath house in October and the third bedroom has served as our junk room. All of my crafts, yarn, Christmas wrapping paper, and anything else that has no home goes in there. You can barely walk in there. Before Gavin came along our 2 bedroom apartments and townhouse was in the same state. It’s kind of like a wishful thinking moment for us.

What if?

To decorate and have a purpose for it other than a nursery is heartbreaking. I had high hopes that the room wouldn’t be our guest/office room but I’m kidding myself if I think it’s going to happen anytime soon.

At least not this year we know for a fact.

It’s not giving up the dream but being realistic for now.

Not to mention there is no excuse for how much yarn I possess.

The room needs some extra TLC and organization.

I think it’ll be nice to have a quiet room where I can go to craft and read in peace….until our next sweet miracle happens.

Why run?

I said I would write this tomorrow after the 5K but we are going to a pool party tomorrow so here it is.

I'll make it short and sweet.

Why am I doing this?

Actually, the Color 5Ks are more of a party and nothing serious. It’s not timed and you can walk, run, or skip if you really want to. This is just the precursor to my goals. I always wanted to be that girl that participated in marathons. I wanted to be a runner. I don’t know why I wanted to, but I did. I wasn’t even sure if I would enjoy running, but I tried it anyway.

Running is slowly becoming a part of me. It clears my head and it’s amazing to see how far I can push myself.

I’m putting it in writing now that my goals are to participate in 5Ks, 10Ks, half marathons, and a Warrior Dash.

The reason:

I spent 6 weeks on and off in the hospital last summer with my little brother. He was declared brain dead and we held on until we couldn’t anymore. We were literally fighting the ethics board for more time. He died at 16.

Sixteen years old.

He never got to get his license, graduate, marry, or even have children. He never got to live out his dreams. Everything was stripped away one afternoon at the beach.

He’s the reason why I’m getting my butt off the couch and pursuing my goals. Why shouldn’t I? I’m relatively healthy and able.

What’s stopping me?

He never got to live long enough to accomplish his goals in life. I have nothing holding me back.

August 5^th 2012 I sat in my brother’s hospital room in the PICU and watched him take his last breath as his heart slowly stopped. They turned off all the monitors and walked out so we could be with him in peace.

That day still haunts me.

I had to walk away from a teenager who had his whole life ahead of him.

So that’s why I’m doing it.

Sure tomorrow will be about the fun and getting covered in colorful powder, but when I cross the finish line it’s the beginning of my new life. The one where I don’t take life for granted. It’s the stepping stone to a better me. 

I hope in everything that I do he is proud.

                                        
                                                     

Some changes

So a lot of changes of happened in this past week. Okay…nothing huge but big for our lives.

We decided to call Jake’s fertility doctor in Dallas to ask about switching his medication. Not that it wasn’t helping but because of certain complications we wanted to know if there was an alternative to what he was prescribed. There is but it isn’t as effective, but it has done some wonders. Time will tell.

Secondly, and this is the biggest change is we decided to contact early childhood intervention for an evaluation for Gavin. As our family and friends know who has spent time with him he doesn’t speak many words. He says about 20 and will say a couple of two word sentences but most of it is not easy for us to understand. We decided at the time to wait and see if it was just something he would grow out of.

Over the past year and a half we have noticed his behavior and motor skills are different than a normal toddler his age. There is a long list of symptoms I won’t get into now, but they are there and can’ t be ignored any longer. I think the breaking point was his eating. He’s 2 ½ and we still have to cut up his food into smaller pieces otherwise he will take a huge bite and not chew properly and then will choke. It’s happened on many occasions and once a very close call with cantaloupe.

I guess we probably seem over protective to people that aren’t in our house watching him go through this. I don’t want to ever see my child start to turn a different color and not be able to breath again. One time was enough and if that means I look like a helicopter parent by being cautious over what he eats, then so be it.

He is very picky with his food. He loves most fruit, but hates all vegetables and doesn’t care for most meat. Textures bother him and when we try to introduce new foods he gags and screams. We have tried smoothies with veggies and he refuses to drink them. I found some organic pureed pouches that he seems to like, and at this point besides his vitamins, that’s the only way we can get him to eat them.

Luckily for us, Jake’s aunt is a speech therapist and after discussing his symptoms she encouraged us to seek out some help.

So with all that we are setting up an appointment with ECI to see where he’s at and what they can do to help.

If you are reading this and around him please be patient with us. He does not accept changes easily and if he seems like he’s ‘acting out’ please know that a lot of it could be much more than that. I believe it’s much more than that.

The last thing is I’m participating in my first 5K this weekend and hopefully not the last. I set up goals for myself years ago of things I wanted to accomplish. This is one of them - plus a 10K and half marathon. I do not usually put myself out there but I’m hoping that will change. I’ll explain more of the biggest reason why I decided to do this after the event on Saturday.

                                               Like I said, nothing big but it is in our little world.





Adoption

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about what this post should be about it. It didn’t hit me until a couple of hours ago what I really wanted to address before I go any further into this blog.

Adoption.

Let me start out by saying we have always wanted to adopt. Early on in our marriage before we even knew that we were infertile we had decided that we wanted to adopt 1-2 children or more if it felt right.

I can’t tell you how many times I have been told “you can still adopt” like it was the same thing. I personally feel that it’s a totally different mind set. Just because you can’t physically have a child does not mean that you are emotionally ready to adopt. I’m not quite 25 and I’m still considered in my childbearing years. Not like that counts for everyone - myself included. I haven’t given up that I can carry a child once again.

Why should I?

Imagine if someone calls you up and tells you judging by a test that was taken you and your husband can not have any more children. Your only option is a donor or adoption. The way that particular nurse handled that situation was crappy. No other way to put it. Of course the day I was told this I was an emotional wreck, and it happened to be on a holiday so I definitely won’t be forgetting the date. At that moment I had no hope. I cried for hours on the bed. I just wanted to give up on everything and sleep all day. My toddler quickly reminded me that I still have responsibilities and I need to get up and hand him a cracker.

Then I turned on my computer and searched. I researched everything I could find on this matter and prayed for some answers. I did find some. My hope slowly came back.

A few days after that phone call I had this feeling, almost like a lightning bolt hitting me in the face.

I can’t give up.

I consider myself a Christian.

Forgiven.

I have struggled over the past year with the loss of my brother , my grandmother 3 mths later, and then this. It’s hard not being angry. Some days are better than others. Sometimes I feel like I’m being tested, but if you knew how much crazy stuff that has happened in my past and somehow it’s always worked out, you would feel the same.

Now back to my story - a lightning bolt. It was as if I could see myself holding a baby that I gave birth to again. Whether that was just hopeful thinking or something more it was enough to tell myself this is not where it ends.

Jake visited a male infertility specialist in Dallas a couple of months ago and is currently being treated. Now we don’t know if it will work. His doctor seems hopeful and has been named one of the top doctors of his field for the past 10 years. I trust him and now we are in the waiting game.

We are doing what we feel is right for us. I do not view adoption as giving up so let me clarify on that. We just are not emotionally, financially, mentally ready for that stage in our life. I pray that God blesses us on this journey and that when the time comes we will know.

A dream

Testing. Testing. Testing.

I guess I should start from the beginning. Don't worry I'll keep it short, okay kind of short, and sweet. I am the ripe age of 24 (July 20th is the big 25) and my husband of nearly 6 years is 30 years old. We have a 2 1/2 yr old little miracle boy. Our house is now officially filled with 2 crazy dogs and a cat who doesn't like those crazy dogs.

From the beginning we knew we wanted to start a family right away. After trying for 6 mths I decided to go search for a gynocologist. The first year I went to multiple doctors and I was diagnosed with PCOS. I felt like for the first time we were getting closer to finding answers. It's funny looking back and remembering comments I got from one gyno saying that we are young and need to wait. I'm glad we didn't sit on that advice. After searching I found the gold mine of doctors. She's perfect and to this day I am still satisfied with her.

It was Jake's turn. He was told he had low levels of testosterone and needed to be on hormone treatment for it. During that time I was put on progesterone pills. For those that don't know, progesterone plays a key role in your life, and in pregnancies. So here we were both on hormone treatment and still waiting for a miracle. We spent 2 1/2 years crying, fighting, taking test after test, charting, doctor after doctor.

On May 13, 2010 I came home from a long day at work and went to the guest house we were living in at the time behind Jake's parent's house. Jake was visiting his grandmother and parents up at their house. The day before I remember texting my pregnant sister, Cherrie to ask about some symptoms I was having. She encouraged me to test but in the back of my mind I still felt like this was just another month with crazy hormones. I took the test out and after using it I laid it on the side of the tub next to me. Not even expecting to see two pink lines I nearly left the bathroom to go change clothes. I happened to look down and there they were. I can't even describe the feeling I had.

My heart was pounding.

I couldn't breathe.

POSITIVE.

  On January 5, 2011 we welcomed a bouncing baby boy. He is the twinkle in my eye. He is now 2 1/2 yrs old and crazier than ever. A rock collector, lover of dogs, a fan of Team Umizoomi, and a little trickster.

So here we are nearly 6 yrs later waiting for another miracle. My hopes with this blog is to write down the ups and downs of our infertility marathon. Just praying that we can get to the finish line and feel like we fulfilled our dream.